margerasharma: Issues with controlling husband

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Today, 08:34 AM

? #1 (permalink)

Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2012

Posts: 3

Hi,

First time posting on this site.

My H and I have been together for 8 yrs, married for 2. We have a 1 yr old son.

My H has always been tidy and very particular about the way he likes things. I am easy going but I can be lazy.

We have recently moved to a very large house and I was excited about entertaining friends and family, having people to stay. However my husband is very particular about the way he likes things. We regularly argue about the housework, he tells not washed the dishes correctly or left the ironing pile too long. The truth is I am struggling as I don't want to be cleaning the house all day and would rather spend time with my son or relax.

My H also only ever wants his family to come over. Over the years I?ve spent more time with his family than my own because it is easier that way. If I invite my family or friends over then we argue about something - he doesn't want me to go to effort preparing food for them or he picks out parts of their personality that he doesn't like and tells me that "they best not do this when they come over". He also likes to pick and choose which of my family members or friends come over and he gets very upset if plans change and someone else comes unexpectedly.

It?s not just with people coming to the house either. If I want to visit someone I have to run it by him first, and he usually thinks of reasons for me not to go. I want to visit a friend who lives two hours away. He?s told me that she is stupid, he doesn?t like her and that there is no point seeing her anymore now that she lives so far away.

I think that all this narrows down to his issues with control. He hates being out of control of a situation. In turn he makes me feel useless because he'll never let me take control of anything.

Is there any advice you guys can give me on how to help him? I want him to relax when people are over and I want him to feel he can give me responsibility for things. Is there anything I can do?

Sometimes I think about leaving, it's affected my relationship with my family and I now have few friends because it is difficult to see them when I want.

I want to get help but he refuses to go to a counsellor. I can see this situation only getting worse. Please help!

Today, 01:24 PM

? #11 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Feb 2012

Location: WNC

Posts: 234

Quote:

It is controlling when he starts to tell her who she can visit and who can and cannot come over. No one should ask PERMISSION to go to a friend or family member's home for a visit unless that person is dangerous - i.e. drug abusers, violent alcoholic or encourages/invites someone who poses an EA/PA threat to come, too.

I totally agree with this....his behaviors do show signs of control. Those that have encouraged to seek MC for this are absolutely correct. This is something you are not going to be able to handle on your own.

As far as family.... I think it depends on how well past interactions between your SP and your family have gone. H and I don't have much to do with certain members of his family. At this point, they are not welcome in our home. This is due to the TOTAL lack of respect they've shown us both repeatedly over a period of several years. In order to bring peace in our lives, we mutually CUT them off. If this is the case in your situation, then your family needs to respect his wishes, but if not, then He needs to back off, suck it up, and allow you to have the same opportunities with your family he expects to have with his.

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